Thursday, April 30, 2015

A D&D Dwarf vs Elf joke, cause why not?

For your pre-friday. I posted this on reddit a short bit ago, but thought why not add it here?

A human, an elf, and a dwarf are traveling through the forest on a quest when they are suddenly ambushed by a clan of orcs. Immediately seeing they are surrounded and vastly outnumbered, the three drop their weapons in an attempt to use diplomacy. As luck would have it, they are partially successful.
"We will agree to let you live," the orc chief says, "but you must still be punished for trespassing in our land. We will take from you every item you own!"
The human, elf, and dwarf immediately disagree.
"I'll not part with a single coin!" the dwarf shouts. "We'd starve and die if we left here naked!" the human says. "Surely we can work something out?" the elf pleads.
The orc chief thinks for a moment (a long moment, as it was an orc attempting to think) and then snaps his fingers. "Alright!" he says. "We will do this the orc way! With pain and blood!" He pauses as his clan cheers. "You may select any number of items to keep," the chief says, "but for each item, you will receiving one lashing! Also, as is our clan's tradition, you may request one item to be lashed to your back to soften the blows. It must be something commonly found in the forest. Human! You are first."
The human quickly scrambles over his items and finds the ten things most precious to him. Thinking quickly of something soft, he shouts out for a bag of leaves to be lashed to his back to soften the 10 lashings he's about to receive. The orcs set aside the ten items, take the rest, and tie up the human with a pile of leaves strapped to his back. The orcs then lay 10 lashes into the human, splitting the leaves apart in the first two strikes and whipping into the human's skin with the last eight. The human collapses, bleeding profusely but otherwise okay. He takes his ten items and whimpers off to the side.
"Next, the elf!" the chief shouts.
The elf takes his time and thinks carefully. He saw how poorly the human chose and is determined to use his wits to do better. Unfortunately, there are no rocks of adequate size nearby, so the elf picks twenty items and sets them aside. Then, he demands a plank of wood be lashed to his back.
"HA! This elf is smart!" the chief laughs. The elf's 20 items are set aside as the elf is tied to a tree and a plank of wood strapped to his back. The lashes begin, and the plank of wood survives the first ten blows before it splinters and the lash lays open the elf's skin. The last ten strikes beat into the elf, and the elf collapses in a worse state than the human, but with twice as many items to take away.
"Your turn, dwarf!" the chief says.
The dwarf looks over his items and begins to count. He ends at 100 items total. He sits there in silence, unable to find anything he will willing give over to these filthy orcs.
"Well?" the chief asks. "What are you going to keep, dwarf? Don't keep us waiting!"
The dwarf glares at the chief and shakes a fist at him. "I'll not part with a single coin!" the dwarf shouts. "I'm not afraid of your sissy orc lash! Give me all 100 of them!"
The orc chief balks, and the rest of his clan go silent with shock. They look to each other, then to their leader, who shakes his head in astonishment. "You truly are brave," the chief says. "I admire your dwarven strength! As you wish. All 100 items for 100 lashes. What do you want us to strap to your back?"
"Something common to the forest, right?" the dwarf says. "Alright then, strap the elf to me back."

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