Today, I just feel like a massive idiot. I'm in the mood the kick my own ass, tell myself what a failure I am, and delve deep into the meaning of why I even try at all. I call these times my "depressive moods," where I slip back into my old self back when I was constantly bullied. Life was a endless cycle of pain and suffering then (or so I thought), and all my efforts went toward trying to think my way out of it. Blah blah blah, just another pitiful nobody in High School, right? Hell, even reading this now I can't help but laugh at myself and think "get over it, you pussy."
The problem is that I kind of like to embrace these moods. I even have a special song saved for the occasion that lets me get a taste of it, like a some kind of depression junkie. Blink 182's "Shut Up" particularly these lyrics:
Get the fuck up, she said your life is meaningless
it's going nowhere, you're going nowhere
you're just a fuck-up, she said I'll live alone instead
she said you don't care, I know I don't care
I'm like Conner from Hard Ball (2001). No one can kick my ass better than I can. I know all my weakness, all me insecurities, all my hopes and dreams and just where to stick the knife, and sometimes I just can't help but tear myself down as hard as I can.
So here I am, ripping myself a new one. Scratching that old itch to beat my ego to a bloody pulp. For whatever reason, I've decided to offer to take you along for the ride, and for whatever reason, you're here agreeing to see how this all plays out.
For the sake of this blog, though, I'll keep it focused on my writing.
I really should have tried harder when I started all of this. Unfortunately, young and naive, I was given more than enough rope to hang myself and latched onto it eagerly. Not only did I publish non-edited works, I did it frequently with little concern for what it could mean. Now I have mistakes etched in the stone of the internet, a history that will never be buried, and whether or not it bites me in the ass, it will be known as the Dothraki say.
Mistake 1: Self-publishing A Lack of Planning. I wrote it in a word document, got on google, found kdp, and hit publish like my life depended on it. The first hardcopy I made through createspace had such horrendous formatting that there wasn't even chapter page breaks. It was just one continuous stream of thought with the occasional "Chapter X" in the way. Yeah sure, I discontinued it, but what does that matter? It's still stuck on Amazon, on Goodreads, there to stick it to me everyday to remind myself that I was one of those people. You know? Those people who add to the slush pile their hideous vanity novel of dear-god-what-a-waste-of-time-it-would-be-for-anyone-not-your-mother-to-read-that-shit. Yeah, I was one of them. God damn it.
Mistake 2 & 3: The first two books of World of Myth I actually published wrong the first time around, making me discontinue the wrong and and re-publish the right one because Createspace won't let you change a title once it's published. The result? Two different pages for the same book. One says "out of stock" and the other has all my reviews and can be purchased. This isn't that huge of a mistake, but it's still going to be a big, fat, obvious stamp to the neglect and ignorance of my first stumble into the self-publishing world. Hurray me.
Mistake 4: A Victim of Bullying. That never should have been a book. It's a glorified blog post, and although I still agree with the message and think it can help those going through the issues, I never should have hit "Self-publish." A complete lack of planning here.
Mistake 5 - My reddit AMA. Back in 2013, I did a reddit AMA (follow the link to see it). I gave away all three of my books and had a little over 4,000 downloads in that single day.
On one hand, this was great. I got some decent feed back, some reviews, people telling me my storytelling was good. It helped motivate me to do better and made me take pride in what I was doing. However, the books were still hardly edited at that point, and although I had 4k downloads, I only heard back from maybe 100 people. What about the other 3,900? What did they think?
You know my negative mind thinks? They didn't much care for it. I've read self-published works from other authors and when I found it terrible, I didn't say a word. I stand to gain nothing by ripping others down (just myself, apparently), so I clamp up and say nothing. Maybe not all 3,900 of the people felt that way, but I'd wager at least half did. I done messed up. I blew my chance to get some real steam going. I should have edited and worked over those books from the start. I even tried to make up for it - see here - but the damage had been done. I'd released amateur work like it was professional, and I am ashamed.
So now I'm trying to correct that. Getting my works edited, the covers cleaned up, and waiting out the 5 months or so it'll take to get those two done before I can start trying to re-enter the market and pray that I haven't royalty screwed myself.
But hey, as my negativity likes to say, I'm not that important anyway. Nobody cares, really. And in this situation, that's a good thing.
Hahaha, what a loser I am. Look at all this whining I just spit out. #firstworldproblems right? As if I know what true hardship is. Time to harden up and get a damn drink. I got shit to do.