Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Movie Review: Jupiter Ascending

 Jupiter Ascending
(2015) on IMDb

This movie was bad. IMDb rated 5.5, but I gave it a 2, which is pretty bad because I really, really, wanted this movie to be good.

It seemed to have everything going for it! They paid so much attention to all sorts of little details and effects, like the technology and gene manipulation. There were all kinds of little things such as the controls for the gravity-gliding boots being in the palm of the hero's hand that just seemed to indicate that a lot of thought, love, and passion went into this truly unique scifi world which I so desperately wanted to be amazing.

And yet, this film totally sucked because with all the attention to the little visual stuff, the writers/producers completely forgot to come up with an interesting story.

Seriously, if there was any story at all, it was lost on me. If there was any characterization at all, I missed it. If there was any engaging plot of any kind, I blinked through it. In this movie, there were more bullets than words and more explosions that reasons for said explosions occurring. My wife fell asleep watching it, and with half an hour still left, she asked, "Do we really have to finish it?" I did, she didn't, and I don't blame her.

With so much going wrong in this film, it's hard to point to any one thing that broke my interest, but I'll give it a shot.

Firstly, the characters weren't appealing in the slightest. Jupiter Jones' only hardship was that she had to wake up early in the morning and clean houses for a living. Otherwise, she had a loving and devoted family, so her uttering "I hate my life" every morning didn't strike me as endearing, it struck me as pathetic and unimaginative. You hate your life? Then go do something about it. What the hell was holding you back from applying for another job? You're interested in astronomy? Why do you have to buy a $4,000 telescope? That's as cheap as they come, really? You know, I'll bet astronomy books aren't all that expensive.

The love interest, the half-dog warrior hybrid, got some slight attention. It was so shallow though, about a half-a-minute of exposition about how he killed one guy one time, and that's it. That's all we learn about drives this character. I couldn't have been more bored! He wants his wings back? Why? What do they symbolize to him? What do these wings mean? It's not important enough that they are important to him; I have to know why they're important, damn it! Uuuggh! So terrible!

And the love story. Wtf? I saw no sparks flying, unless you count the endless number of useless explosions happening everywhere for no reasons at all. They just up and decided they were into each other because, you know, they're on camera a lot so year. God, it was cringe worthy watching them kiss.

Nothing else existed in the film to pick up the slack. The villains were shallow and petty, seemingly weak and unimposing. The ending felt so forced that I rolled my eyes and face-palmed in real life. I couldn't wait to see the credits roll, and I just felt so happy I didn't see this pile of crap in the theaters. It was hardly worth the $1.61 I paid at Redbox.

God damn did I want this movie to be good, too. Flying dragon creatures, gene-splicing, immortality. This movie could have been a story instead of just a moving, boring picture. Damn it...

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